unicorngrl

moral of the stroy

2006-09-14T11:57:42Z

Hello,
I I agreed with some of whatthathadto sayabout mebutsomewhatof itwas justplain off. Like I tend to care more for others then myself first for anyone thatknowsme they knowthatthatisthetruth thattestsaysthatI don't. I can be a bit disprgnized in my work[lace but it dependson what workplace now if your talking about mcdonalds then yes but when i was woking as a cna or in the healthcare field I wasvery maticulate. I don't know/ I guess there's just certain thingsI agree with more then others. I like to be with people more then alone. I am very sensitive for reasons people often don't understand. I don't much liketo be a lonerevenif its justa quick driveto the store I would rather be with someone. So I guess the moral of the story not all these tests arefull proof...

Robyn

ok so I am

2006-09-14T11:50:24Z

here it is folks

You are neither a subdued loner nor a jovial chatterbox. You enjoy time with others but also time alone. You can be very easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be extremely sensitive and emotional. As a practical person you like to think in plain and simple terms. Others describe you as down-to-earth, practical, and conservative. People see you as tough, critical, and uncompromising and you have less concern with others' needs than with your own. You like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.

My Personality


Neuroticism	93
Extraversion	38
Openness To Experience	8
Agreeableness	20
Conscientiousness	17

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Just stopping in to say hey

2006-09-06T05:15:48Z

I have so much to say I don't know where to start.I guess from the beginning, Well yesterday Emily came home but before all of that I still was having a rough time come to find out that my mom is in the hospital so I am having a head and heart challenge, my head is saying stay here you have your future to look at school is starting tomorrow and well we all know what my heart is saying you need to go running home nobody can take care of my mom like I can I think my biggest fear in all of this is that she isnt going to be there when I go home. Then I have met this really nice person she however lives in MN now again ppl are telling me you just can't have an online relationship but it may not be just an online relationship and maybe it won't turn into that but I have never met anyone that is this much like me and want's so many of the same things as me and so do I want it to turn into more of course I do do i know what's going to happen in the future no. I am having dificulies dealing with my breakup and my feelings with all of that I know that we are not meant together she is never going to fullfill all of my dreams and that I am going to keep getting hurt in that matter but it's still that matter that I loved her and that hurts, it has gotten a bit easier over the last week in my communication with my new found friendship with Amy. I have also found out that another dear friend of mine has a brain anyuerismn sp? that scares me I don't want to have to rush home for anything espiacially nothing like that. There are just to many things going on at home that I am having head and heart challenges with which makes me wonder what is in store for me? I guess we will just have to wait and see. Well I am going to close for now and try and get some sleep I know I don't have class till late tomorrow but I do have to go to an app in the afternoon and I just don't want to sleep the day away. Wishing goodluck to my friend tom in her first day with a patient and wishing best wishes to eric and hoping my mom and eric feel better very soon. Signing off for now.

Robyn

SoI realized another reason this wknd was just so-so i have got to get better control of my emotions

2006-09-04T20:58:43Z

Hello,
SoI ran out of some meds, I have done that before and been just fine what has overcome me this wknd, its not the empty house syndrome I did that just fine a couple wknds ago, twas another anniversary in disguise yet I didn't quite see this one coming. They always say the first yr is the roughest and with paul and I becomming so close as friends the last six months I was home and Katrina becomming more likea daughter this is really hitting me harder then i think even my dad did but yet that was so long ago and so hard to remember at times. It was Katrina's b-day last wknd she is growing up but that didn't get me as upset as i thought it would what was getting to me was it was Jenny's to be 25th b-day this wknd and yet she is not here or there and I can't call her and say hey I miss ya you should come here so we can do this together because Jenny and I have always done everything together when it comes to our dreams and goals. But this has been the hardest yet most challenging yr of my life. I lost one of my best friends and overcominng so many 1 yrs without her and I moved 500 miles away from everyone that i love and overcoming so many challenges that i want to just quit and say IM DONE I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE TIME FOR MY MOM TO TAKE CARE OF ME AGAIN. and yet I keep fighting to stay here and make this work 500 miles away from home I only have one last thing to say when i finsih what I came here to start there better be a whole line of cars with my family waiting when I graduate I don't care how much it costs for them to get here or how much they have to put aside they better be here because I'm fighting the biggest battle I have fought in a long time to make this happen. And I am having some maor emotional problems getting there so for all of you that don't have to deal with me there now you better be here when I graduate. Even one more person and you know who you are. If that pic isnt just fitting most of us know why!!!!

Bye for now

Robyn

That was not cool.

2006-09-03T21:01:17Z

Hello,
Ok so sitting here minding my own buisness I didn't get up long ago so you know I'm not altogether proper yet and my hair is in shambles. I have had to say the least a very rough wknd in sleeping but will explain that more later. I am checking my e-mail and other things and there is a knock at the door. Ok no one is going to be knocking for me and all of her friends know she is gone so who the heck but we will go see and hope that salvador doesn't try an escape mode, YEAH RIGHT!! It is some political person wanting to know if I have changed my voting information etc... And there goes Salvador and there goes this guy after salvador and I'm only in a t-shirt by some unknown means I actually have underwear on But as much as fool I looked I was like please dont try to stop him he just wantsto eat grass I will grab him on the other side and all will be fine I know I look like a fool out here but he is just going to run from you. He grabs the stuff I dropped hands it to me still asks me for my name and I run back in the house not sure if I should turn bright red or laugh my butt off. I knew that was going to happen if I answered the door I was trying to half stay in and half stay out like my upper half out and bottom half in so i could have the door shut enough but not salvador he snuck right through my legs. YIKES what a sight I must have made. So onto why I am not put to gether. I have run out of my sleeping meds a week early somehow I think the dang receptionist mis scheduled me again. So I'm learning to sleep w/out the aid of anything oh yeah did I mention and in an empty house. So I have managed to make the rounds from bed to bed and to balcony trying to find a good place o sleep for just a few minor winks like an hr at tops was the best one this wknd so when I finally fell asleep at somewhere around 5 this morning I wasn't caring how late I slept because all I have been trying to do is sleep I have been absolutly exausted and my body hadn't let me sleep more then 20 min tops at a time. So the one day I am not up till 3 and the door has to knock and salvador has to run out thanks love ya tooo!!!

I know this is turning out to be very long but as of yet not many people read this one and I can get my feelings out and well I know that a lot of my friends read my 360 page but not many have signed up for this yet. So in a midst of all of this last night I became very tired and cranky my emotions were really overcoming me by this time all I really wanted was sleep and my body wouldn't hear of it. I realized that if I am to stay to complete my dream I will not be returning home home for another 4-5 years. This puts me at Well over 30 and my mom at a bit scarier of an age for me. It puts all my kids that I know and call my babies pretty much grown and I just found out a little over a month ago that my niece is to have a baby in Feb and so yeah I got to watch all of my nieces grow I wont get to watch my great niece turn from a baby into a toddler to a little girl/boy and start kindergarten as I will be here. I started thinking last night do I want to stay as long as my bachelors or do I just want to get my associates but I know the truth is that I want my Bachelors Degree that I can make so much more money and that I will be a somebody when I return home. But I think of how much I am going to miss and well in my state last night I fell apart. Today I'm ok.I wonder if My mom and all my family will come to my commencement ceremony when I graduate because you know there never coming to visit me before that. I will have to make all the trips home to see everyone. I now wish that I would have started my dream at Amber's age but she still has 4-5 yrs before she will even be done with her associates degree in nursing because of the waitlist in Wi I at that time will just about be finishing my bachelors degree if not finished by then. And now she has a baby to raise in between all of that. I wish I would have started at her age trying to reach my goals not waiting this long because it may be another 5 years before I try to reach for one more dream and that's to have a baby of my own. I guess life takes us all in seperate directions and I just have a harder time dealing with it then others. I'm 500 miles away from everything I have ever known as real ever known to be my life and starting a new life in a new city and now realizing that it isn't about oh well I can't just up and decide one day I don't like it here anymore that I'm going home to Wisconsin because actually in Mo eyes Mo is my home and my residence. And I have school to attend, and finish. I don't quit what I start. That isn't me and never has been I shouldn't have let something stand in my way two years ago when I started this in Wi. I maybe just a little further ahead but cest la vie. I think I am done for now I think I have all off my chest what I need to say. So home sweet home I am for the next 5 years of my life.

Robyn

update from last entry

2006-08-19T22:30:49Z

Hello,

I said a lot of hurtful things in my last entry that wern't all true. But at the time I chose to write it I was sad and frustrated and my feelings were hurt so I said them out of bitteness. people often say things they regretafter saying them when there own feelings are hurt and for that I want to make a public apology. There were many othergood times that I didn't mention and for those of you that know me personally you know that there were many other good times or that relationship wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. Again I'm sorry...

Another Thing I wanted to post I do not have a picture of my new tattoo yet but it is a life size breast cancer ribbon and down one side it says survivor and at the bottm of the other side it says DMD (my mom's initial's) and at the top of that same side it says 4-15-06 the day she hit her 5 yr mark the day of remission.It was her mothers day gift I cant wait to take a picture and post it. it is from about 4 inches below my hip to about one inch above my knee on the left side of my leg. All of my tattoo's had to mean something and this truly does it honors the day she is cancer free....

sitting here thinking

2006-08-18T14:32:52Z

You know I look Back and realize that tthis relationship was never real to her I was her rebound And that this relationship really ended when I told herthat I wouldnt be coming with her when shemoved all the times I visited her it was more just friends w/benifits because when I did move here I saw the lifestyle that she lead and I was neverincluded in any of that when I visited even with the older kids who couldfend for themselves and then when I got here I still was never included she had been trying to politly push me away so I'd just move on without her but to move me 500 miles away from my family and used to be good friends whoI don't even know anymore who have now moved on with there life. She did it out of spite and all the wrong reasons I learned she is a very selfish bitter person someone I probably shouldn't have held as much respect for as I did I told her b4 I moved I wouldn't move 500 mled to turn aroundand do it again in a month I should have turned around and did it a day later. I truly believe this relationship was over sometime around x-mas. 6 months before I really left. It had gone somewhere. I was holding onto something that wasn't there. I now regret it. Because I have lost everything at my hometown, Havent made many friends here all to be told that she wanted to know what it was like when her ex wife was trying to have feeling for her when she didn't. I'm now learning she is pretty cold hearted think I shoudl forive and forget tells me not to let other people take advantage of me when she does the same thing to me if all of you really knew the true her!!!!!This is not to say there weren't good times because there were but now looking back I'm having a hard timeremembeing any besides my tripto fla with her. She is always on a pity pot I will ask her something or say something and shewillalways say yeah thats right its always my fault your alwaysblamng me I cant make it her fault unless she wants it to be her fault over stupid little things She sounds like me at 20 when I was first learning to be me. I used to admire her nowI think she has lost herself again but see somehow that will get blamed on me but then turned around on her and it will be my fault... And then all her friends again will disapprove of me because she will vent to them what an awuful person I am. When I go out of my way still to help her as a friend. Now I think when I get my own place it wont be so much me trying to help her anymore. I have doneall I can and tired of always being the bad guy in this till she misses me and then im a good person and this and that..... Life wasn't meant to be like this I just realized something that all my other partners or someof them haveabused me in some way or another but so has she in an emotional way...

so what am I

2006-08-16T01:05:35Z

I have been faced so many times with this question since coming out 11 years ago and snce foolingaround with girls 13 years ago. You know if your a lesbian yeah you sometimes get the usual stare by straight ppl who are against it but for the most part people are pretty cool ith it. Homosexual men I think I have it the hardest get your mind out of the gutter. But then you have bisexuals and to tell you the truth I really thinkwe take the most crap we have a hard timefitting in with the lesbians because they don't want a woman who's is going to run off to a man and a man well he just wants to watch and then when that excitement is over he is just as afraid that we are going to run off to a woman. and for men I am sure it is the same thing. Ever since no monogomous relationships cameinto play I think it puts more stress then need be. Yes I for a long time wanted to be in a triad best of both worlds right. Wrong its even more complicated. So again the big question is how do I figure out what I am. I usually just went where my heart lead me but my heart seems to be leading me the wrong way.

Hoping this works out

2006-08-15T23:39:34Z

Hello,
Well I met someone very cool today. She is moving to Ks from Il and is in search of a roommate. I to was in search of a roommate just wasnt sure I was ready to make that leap and do it alone and was kinda scared I couldnt afford it on my own. So I am going to see where this leads, She seems very nice and just doesn't want to be in a new city not knowing how to get around laugh at this because I still get lost but I guess we can learn the city together and I will make a new friend out of it. Something I need very badly. I'm starting to realize this is home again and Im beginning to become more happy about it Peace to all..

Robyn

One month

2006-08-15T10:19:52Z

Hello,
If all goes well in one month I should be moving into my apartment. I am excited and a bit scared at the same time. This time that I moved to MO is for good and I know its for the best but I lost all of my friends up there in just three months. I didn't know that was possible. On a happier note this apt is just the bomb and I so cannot wait to get in there. It's not that I dont like where I'mstaying right now and had the option to stay a roommate it just hurts to much rights now and the person doesn't always think before acting and then ends up hurting me over and over again. I don't think I could go through another couple months of that, I know I am bouning around a bit so bear with me. My neice is due to have a baby on feb 23rd and I so cant wait your probably thinking she's way to young but actually were only about 8 years in agedifference she is almost 20. An hasbeen with her boyfriend sincea freshman in hs. Somany things to process somtimes i think so little time.

Robyn

Moving back to MO again

2006-08-14T12:40:04Z

Hello,
Well I went home to find I have no home! And no friends left. At first this was very saddening. I didn't know what to do, I had given up on coming back to Mo and I wanted to be there when my Neice had her baby but I didn't want to be anyone's live in babysitter and be taken advantage of again, That was one thing Cassen had got me out of. I am still a bit confused at times, still look in the shadows wondering who's coming out to get me that all scares me, I thought I had put all of that way way behind me. My roommates have taken over the house, including my room, so literally I have no home to go home to. I wonder at times when like tonight I sat up all night how I'm going to make it in my Apartment alone. I guess the first onth will tell. I am glad that I am finally startin to fit in with some of Emily's friends down here and that hasmade it a whole lot easier. I talked to a counselor the other day and she told me something very true on the phone that its time that I take the love away from the person that I hold so deeply for and give it back to myself. Those words are so much easier said then done. I know how to be my happy hyper bouncy self I can do it even when I'm not in the mood. I do a lot of things fake in the presence of people that don't like me being down. One person in particular. I have done many things I'm not happy about and others I can't wait for the new adventure. I want life to stop standing at the stand still and move on to a point where I know where I'm going to be in the next few weeks I wish people would howeverstop thinking that everything is just my illness most of it happes to be that this is my first real time away from home with very few friends and Im trying to get out there and make a life for myself. Hoping and dreaming my goals come true.